Sunday, January 17, 2010

Dressing My Golden Globes


Helen Lawson here with some advice on how to choose the proper dress to accentuate the positive and minimize the fat flappy body you've accumulated over the holidays. As you know, it's awards season and with that comes a wardrobe make over especially in the gown department. Have your stylist attend every fashion show in town and visit every designer salon so that you will get the jump on all of the other Hollywood hags (Jackie Collins) and Broadway bitches (Angela Lansbury). Don't get caught by the Hollywood Foreign Press in a dress that Shelly Winters has thrown up on...again or embarrass yourself in an original Dior only to find out it was a Kathy Lee sample with a hole in the ass. The right gown can make or break a star (Barbra Streisand) but the wrong gown (Barbara Walters) can make you look like a pile of dog shit (Barbara Stanwyck). Choose a frock that flatters, not "fatters" your figure. I prefer tight fitting, heavily constructed gowns that do all the work and hold me up even when I'm down......on the ground....with my face in the gutter. Favorite Hollywood designer, Don Loper has always known how to dress a lady. Everyone from Eve Arden to Mrs. William Holden and Mrs. Forest Tucker have worn their Lopers on the Red Carpet. I even wore a Loper design that was given to me for participating in a Hollywood Wives fundraising fashion show. While on a shopping spree in Beverly Hills, my friend and socialite Pecky Cypress and I were asked to appear in the show. I  graciously accepted and was asked to wear a wool tweed suit called, "Heathcliff" that Don had designed. I don't wear wool as a rule and felt that it would be better "suited" for someone else. He agreed and chose a number called "Martini Madness" that had a hat that looked like a olive. It fit like a glove and was a huge success on the runway. The woman in the wool suit made a complete ass out of herself and ended up in the hospital so I fucked her husband. ANYWAY, that dress got me press notices AND got me laid.
 

2 comments:

LCM said...

Your fashion advice is not to be ignored, Helen - you've had every designer on your back at one point or another, so I trust your impeccable judgement in such matters.

whabbear said...

Way to work it, Helen. Did he use protection?