Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sunday...Bloody Sunday

Good morning, Dearest Reader.
I was just thinking of you. When I opened my eyes this morning I wondered, what are they doing this Sunday morning. Awaking to the smell of fresh perked coffee and vanilla scented potpourri? Or perhaps, heading out for a brisk run in the park then a stop for The Times and a bagel? Or like me, wake up in a pool of your own vomit with a strange man whom you had apparently fucked and allowed to stay, then discovered that it was your own fur coat you had had multiple orgasms with? We all have our own Sunday morning "thing" don't we? And, a lot of it comes from our night before.
As you all know I am in the midst of a career slump. The Andrew Loyd Webbers, and Jerry Hermans aren't writing shows for actresses of my calibre and range anymore. They're all writing for Linda Lavin and Bernadette "Little Miss No Range" Peters now. My kind are forced to do mobile phone commercials and PSA's for arthritis and vaginal dryness. Why just the other day I tuned in to hear the familiar voice of Miss Elaine Stritch telling me, the viewer that 4 out of 5 doctors recommended eating ground glass to eliminate constipation. No, Dearest Reader, I have a bit of time on my hands these days and as you well know, idle hands just end up someone's ass.
My Sundays are days for reflection and meditation. I start with a brisk walk to the bathroom where things usually come out of every hole in my body. I try not to look in the mirror for several hours . I then call for my non- existent maid and tell her what I would like prepared for my morning meal: white toast,, black! After 2 hours of waiting, I rise and try to find my kitchen. My decorator, Billie D. Buttfuquer has ingeniously built my bar into my kitchen so that my internal sensors can find it even in a black out drunk. Did you know that Smirrnoff makes a White Toast Black Coffee flavored vodka? I pour myself a nice breakfast and head back to bed.
Depending on my mood, I may sleep till 2 or 3 and then have breakfast again. I may have breakfast until 7 or 8 and then I have dinner. Did you know that Smirrnoff makes a steak and baked potato flavored vodka?

1 comment:

LCM, Centre of the Known Universe said...

Helen, you have to let me come over some morning and serve you a proper breakfast. Oh of course there will be booze involved, but why not start the day with a mimosa instead of straight vodka? Then a english muffins with jam, or if you prefer - cheese whiz. (nods kindly)