Thursday, December 3, 2009

I'm Helen Lawson and this is my world. Sometimes it ain't pretty. Sometimes it don't play by the rules. It will fuck ya one minute then bite off your head the next. If your lookin' for action you've come to the right place. My place is like a literary whore house offering tales of the tragic, desperate things we'll do for a little fun and hope to get out alive without contracting a venereal disease.
For those of you who are not familiar with me or my career in show business, allow me to fill you in on what we call my "back story". I was born Helen Laughlin in a small town somewhere to unknown parents. I left there with a dream in my heart to become an actress. I actually wanted to be a geek in the circus that bites the heads off of chickens but my better judgement and my normal sized teeth made acting a more suitable profession. Don't get me wrong, I like nothing more than biting the heads off of chickens, rodents, and small children but my calling was the musical theater and it was there that I made my home, Burlesque.
My first show was a light musical called, "Flibbertyjibbit!" where I was cast as a chorus girl or what is more commonly known as a dick sucker. I was also a dick sucker in, " The Bride Wore Red",and "Negroes In Tap Shoes". I moved up to lead dancer in "Flyin' High" but only after I took one up the ass. This cemented my position for a while and I was happy for the work. It was tough out there and a gal had to go the extra mile just to get noticed. I started doing little things to get the attention of the fella's in the first few rows like shaving my beaver into the shape of the Liberty Bell or letting a tit slip out when I did a shimmy shake. Little by little I got better and better reviews and was finally given my first speaking part in a burlesque bit called, "Role Her Over". I played a hillbilly bride that was a nervous virgin with an upset tummy on her wedding night. The Barker Boys played hillbilly brothers one of which was the virgin groom and the other his best friend. The bit goes like this. The groom tells his brother that he doesn't know what to do to a woman in bed. The brother says that he will hide in the closet and tell him what to do. The groom agrees and the brother enters the closet. I come into the room and say," I'm real skeered to git undressed in front of you. Can you change in the bathroom?".
The groom exits. The bride undresses nervously AND has diarrhea . Unable to use the bathroom, she picks up an empty shoe box and takes a dump in it, places it next to the bed and climbs in. The groom enters and clicks off the lights. As he makes his way towards the bed he steps in the box and yells out," THIS BOX HAS SHIT IN IT!" to which the brother in the closet replies, " ROLE HER OVER!". And scene. That was the beginning of my career in the theater.

1 comment:

LCM, Centre of the Known Universe said...

Oh I adore charming stories from "show people"! (tosses head back and laughs in that good way I have) Ah-hahahaha.