Thank you so much for tuning in to The Helen Lawson Good Time Hour.
As you know, Miss Lawson and I have been together for many years and I think of her not only as an employer but as a friend as well. It's true that we have had our share of disagreements and public displays of humiliation but, we have tried to remain professional equals through it all. You see, the old cunt would be nowhere without me. I have taken the hits for her for so long that it has become a regular party gag to have some one tear me off of her scabby head and ritualistically try to flush me down the nearest can. Oh, the humiliation of it all.
My mother, an adjustable human hair from New York and my father, a toupee from Topeka, had always been involved in show business and you might say I was born in a trunk. I actually was born in a trunk but that's another story. I made my debut on Lawson's head in the late 50's when she was starring in "The Butcher, The Baker, The Orgasm Faker" on Broadway with Agnes Moorhead and Billie Dewolfe. I was introduced to Helen by Billie's toupee and from the moment I was perched atop her drunken noggin, I knew we were destined to be together. I had no idea at the time that we would share so many emotional experiences as well as becoming codependent on one another.
There have been occasions when I have left Miss Lawson to find greener pastures. In the early seventies I was a gypsy shag for Lee Remick and a snob bob for Sunny Von Bulow. I was fired by Miss Remick for refusing to eat pork and by Miss Von Bulow's people for obvious reasons. I always went crawling back to Broadway and Miss Helen Lawson.
So enjoy the musings of Helen Lawson. She seems rough on the outside but believe me, she is a nightmare on the inside. My God have mercy on your heads.