Monday, December 7, 2009

Hello, Doctor, I'm Helen Lawford...

The elevator was particularly vile today. I entered and was immediately overcome by the remnants of a greasy egg salad fart combined with a fine medicated urine odor. The inhabitants were a blend of poly vinyl chloride and yesterdays underwear. The gentleman to my right, 5th floor button, was dressed in a business suit and was carrying a briefcase that I fantasized was filled with lurid photos of naked 10 year old girls. A 6th floor woman in an acrylic pashmina was digesting a copy of WWD. Obviously her first by the looks of her DSW footwear and faux YSL handbag. As we stopped on the second floor to pick up more carnage, I glanced at a young woman in the back adjusting her pantyhose. As all aboard faced forward, she deemed it an appropriate time to hike up her skirt and expose a rather puffy looking vagina with a string curled up beside her pubic area lake a cat by the fireside. As the door opened we were obligated as residents of this moving Shindler's List to make room for Bigfoot, the buildings resident sideshow feature known only as Mr. Creepers. He resembled a more portly version of John Wayne Gacey who, like Creepers never quite got off all of the clown white from behind his ears after luring children to his apartment. I swore there was dirt under his finger nails from digging countless shallow graves. I remember wondering if he was single.
I reached my floor after several stops and exited. My appointment was at 1:45 and I, like all show biz people, was known for my lack of punctuality and arrived promptly at 2:15. I entered the office and signed in as if I were the mystery guest on What's My Line. With broad demanding strokes I boldly wrote HELEN LAWSON and waited for a response as if the next autograph hound was going to shove a pad in my face. The nurse slid open the glass panel and barked," Have a seat. You're very late Miss Lawford".
"That's Lawson. Helen Lawson", I responded. " Perhaps you were thinking I was one of the Kennedy clan".
"That's a laugh!" she snorted and slammed the glass shut.
I sat and waited for what seemed like hours. I read every magazine in the place and was seriously considering calling these Jehovah's Witnesses when the class slid open.
" Miss Kennedy? The doctor will see you now". ( To Be Continued.)

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