Sunday, December 13, 2009
Kiss My Summer Sausage!
" I wanna know who the fucker was that came up with this whole gift giving thing at Christmas. Look, I'm all for celebrating the little baby Jesus thing, and I'm glad that his birth gave millions of Mexican gardeners their names, but I don't see why we have to run around like godamn headless chickens tryin' to find a bargain at the Hickory Farms on summer sausage logs or Vermont cheddar cheese balls with a shelf life of 300 years for son Billy's faggot teacher. Why all of the sudden are the impulse items at the check out beginning to look like they could be acceptable gifts for the postman or the retarded bag boy at the A&P? Would you like to open a poorly wrapped gift only to find a package of 100 hearing aid batteries or a pair of toenail clippers with a dolphin on them? Or a card with a $10 gift certificate from Saks Fith Avenue? What the fuck is that supposed to buy you at Saks, a shopping bag to put a whole lotta nothin' in? You know what I did when I got a $20 gift card from Tiffany's. I went to their stationary department and bought a thank you card that said," Next year, why don't you invest your $20 in fertilizer stock so you can send me $200 worth of HORSE SHIT!".