What Price, Beauty?

Dearest Reader,
I have never thought of myself as a vain person and lord knows I've spent a dollar or two on beauty products that promise age defying results at premium prices. But did you know you can use regular household items and products to achieve the same results for just pennies? I would like to share my beauty on a budget tips with you and let you in on the Hollywood secrets to staying and looking younger and still have enough cash to spend on booze and bail.
1. Why spend money on expensive skin cleansers and facial scrubs when a brisk once over with Ajax and a hand sander does the job just as well.
2. Did you know that your dead batteries still hold the power to remove unwanted lines from around the eyes and mouth? Just break a discarded AA battery in half and rub around the eye and lip area. That burning says it's working.
3. A facial mask made from oatmeal, cherry gelatin, boiling water and Liquid Plumber will unclog any pores just as well as the expensive beauty brands. Apply generously with a heat resistant spautula and stand back and watch it work!
4. The neck area is always a problem. To keep skin firm and tight, try clamping the excess skin in the back with common clothes pins or C-clamps. A turtle neck will cover and give-a-way lumps or bumps.
5. Did you know that not only does beer make a great shampoo but other spirits such as vodka and scotch can find a place on the shelf in your shower.