Hello from sunny Palm Beach Dearest Reader,

Baby it's cold outside! Once again I have taken up residence at The Colony. Heinrich, the hotel manager was kind enough to give me my usual suite next to the bar, the pool, and if the hole I drilled in the wall is still there, the pool boys locker room. As usual I arrived in a Lily Pulitzer floral kaftan, gigantic hoop earrings, and a tote bag big enough to smuggle in 3-5 gallons of liquor. As you know my dear friend socialite Pecky Cypress, has a lovely home here but due to unfortunate circumstances has always insisted on me staying in a hotel where they can legally charge me for damages to the room as well as damages to the staff and mini bar. Pecky is a delightful gal and comes from a very old moneyed family. Her father, Aristotle Cypress made his fortune in the cypress clock and coffee table industry. She and I met through mutual friends and charity luncheons and have chaired many worthy cause fundraisers like, "Give Kids The Finger", and " My Pussy, My Self". She's VERY connected in PB and has a vicious tongue and a razor wit but unfortunately looks as though she was beaten for several hours with a bag of nickels. All the more reason to hang around her. I look like Susan Hayward next to her.

As I make my way down the short tropical path to the pool, I can't help but reflect on the many balmy Florida nights I spent trying to find this path, drunk beyond recognition and nude with a champagne bottle up my ass. The many times I sawed through a cabana door only to find the pool filtration system. Happy times, but it also brings to mind proper pool etiquette. I have been forced to scold....and eventually drown children who are left unattended buy poorly bred adults. How many times must I explain to pool boys that the vagina also needs sun. I've come up with 10 simple pool rules that, if followed, can my your afternoon sun time more fun time.

1. Always make sure you are actually sitting at the pool and not in the hotel fountain located in the lobby.

2. Always find a chaise lounge that will give you proper sun access all day. Lying in the shade only comes in handy when you have passed out in the chair the night before and you can make a hasty unnoticed retreat from the tea dance going on around you.

3. Never sit next to a high traffic area.......like the parking lot.

4. Never sit next to nuns.

5. Be sure to remember, it's your vacation....relax, bring a good book, some large fashion magazines, or some bricks....all of which will come in handy when dealing with pesky children.

6. Never let your wig out of your sight! Attach a large hat to it and threaten to expose it to salt water and baby oil.

7. Never use sunscreen. Melanoma is very in these days. Last year Arlene Dahl's nose fell off. So chic.

8.Pool boys take cash, period.

9.When choosing the proper bathing attire remember this. Leave something to the imagination. A subtle one piece is always in style with me, gals. Especially when that one piece is just the top piece.

10. Always leave the pool area drunk so that when you walk into dinner you won't remember any of those people by the pool....only their laughter.