Saggers-N-Baggers

Ladies, do your breast arrive at a party 10 minutes after you do? Do they slide under your arms and get caught in your butt crack while sunbathing? Do they resemble the female african tribal photos found in National Geographic? If your sagging booby bags have lost their bounce, I think I can help. In Hollywood, starlets and harlots alike have been doing these simple exercises for years to improve their nagging knockers and lift their flabby fun sacks. Try following along and in weeks your breasts will be as perky as a parakeets beak and in no time will be ordering a drink at the bar before you even walk through the door. All you will need are a few household items, a half an hour each day, and a little patience with your trampled titties. Rome wasn't built in a day, but you can have Sophia Loren's bust line in one. Let's begin.

Gather these simple everyday items: string, scotch tape, 2 #10 cans of green beans, gravity boots and bar, a copy of Redbook magazine, 2 cement blocks , an old pair of panty hose, toothpicks, a blowtorch, some rebar, a cantaloupe, and a hairpin. First, tie a piece of string to each of your nipples then tie those strings together. Then tie one of the feet of the pantyhose to one, place the crotch around your neck and then the other foot to your other nipple, creating a sort of halter. Then, scotch tape the #10 cans under each boob. Now, using the blowtorch to heat the metal rebar, form into an underwire. Ladies, be sure to let it cool first or, OUCH! Cut the cantaloupe in half and remove the seeds and flesh leaving a natural and eco-friendly cup in which to slip onto your breast. Attach the inversion bar at the inside top of any doorway. I prefer the front door so I can talk to the neighbors as they pass by on their morning walks. Then, slip on the boots and use the cement blocks as a step to hoist yourself up and into the clips on the bar. Use the hairpin to pin your bangs back so that you can read your Redbook. The same gravity that caused your tits to take a trip south will now help point them to the stars. Try doing this twice a day for two weeks and you will be amazed at the results.