Reach For The Stars!

If your birthday is today.....today is a 2. Grab a bottle of bourbon, climb back into bed, pull the covers over your head and wait for the sun to set.

Capricorn: Today is a 2. Find reasons to stay drunk all day. Think of your shitty life as a metaphor for all that is wrong with the world. Today would be a good day to write a goodbye note.

Aquarius: Today is a 3. It sucks to be you today. You're probably 15 lbs. overweight, your roots are 3 inches long and your toenails haven't seen a manicure in so long you could grate Parmesan cheese with them. Grab the cat, turn on the TV and get loaded on cough medicine mixed with vodka.

Pisces: Today is a 1. Kill yourself or a loved one.

Aries: Today is a 1. Your lover is a Pisces. Run for your life!

Taurus: Today is a 3. What do you expect? They named a really shitty car after you. Get even by running your car into oncoming traffic while under the influence of illegal narcotics bought in Mexico during Spring Break last year.

Gemini: Today is a 10! Your twin was killed in a freak pie eating contest accident. Now you're free to be yourself for once...right after they remove your twin from your conjoined abdomen.

Cancer: Today is a 1. Bad news....you have cancer.

Leo: Today is a 10! It's a great day to travel! Make plans to hop on a plane and visit  a far away destination like Paris or Rome......wait a minute, I'm sorry. Today is a 1. You will die in a horrible plane crash. Better hold off on those travel plans.

Virgo: Today is a 2. The good news is, you will finally get laid. The bad news is......laid to rest.

Libra: Today is a 10! Your roommate is a Capricorn. You will find a goodbye note today!

Scorpio: Today is a 3. Don't bother getting dressed today......you'll be jumping out the window.

Sagittarius: Today is a 1. Find a quiet spot in the park....take the pills....lay down....and die.