Glamour Begins At Walmart

Welcome To My Face!

What Price, Beauty?

Dearest Reader,
I have never thought of myself as a vain person and lord knows I've spent a dollar or two on beauty products that promise age defying results at premium prices. But did you know you can use regular household items and products to achieve the same results for just pennies? I would like to share my beauty on a budget tips with you and let you in on the Hollywood secrets to staying and looking younger and still have enough cash to spend on booze and bail.
1. Why spend money on expensive skin cleansers and facial scrubs when a brisk once over with Ajax and a hand sander does the job just as well.
2. Did you know that your dead batteries still hold the power to remove unwanted lines from around the eyes and mouth? Just break a discarded AA battery in half and rub around the eye and lip area. That burning says it's working.
3. A facial mask made from oatmeal, cherry gelatin, boiling water and Liquid Plumber will unclog any pores just as well as the expensive beauty brands. Apply generously with a heat resistant spautula and stand back and watch it work!
4. The neck area is always a problem. To keep skin firm and tight, try clamping the excess skin in the back with common clothes pins or C-clamps. A turtle neck will cover and give-a-way lumps or bumps.
5. Did you know that not only does beer make a great shampoo but other spirits such as vodka and scotch can find a place on the shelf in your shower.

Santa Maria! It Has A Mother!

In November, Oprah Winfrey's mother, Vernita Lee, and the luxury fashion store Valentina Inc. announced a settlement of the latter's lawsuit over Lee's $155,547 outstanding tab. On a previous tab of $174,285 in 2002, Lee had agreed to make periodic repayments, but the store apparently allowed her to open another account, and as the new balance swelled, Lee sued, claiming the store should not have re-extended credit to her.

The Big Death Valley

Dead on this day 20 years ago screen and television legend Barbara Stanwyck died of congestive heart failure at the age of 82. Stanwyck, who's nickname, The Big Valley was not associatied with her long running TV series but had to do with her tremendous vagina. Stanwyck's retirement years were active, with charity work done completely out of the limelight. Her decline started following a robbery and beating at her Beverly Hills home in 1981.

Helen Keller w/ Cool Cat

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Hedy's Dead

Dead on this day 10 years ago at the age of 86, actress Hedy Lamarr left behind a strange legacy that included shoplifting and other strange behavior in her life. According to her autobiography, Ecstasy and Me (1966), once while running away from Friedrich Mandl, she slipped into a brothel and hid in an empty room. While her husband searched the brothel, a man entered the room and she had sex with him so she could remain hidden. She was finally successful in escaping when she hired a new maid who resembled her; she drugged the maid and used her uniform as a disguise to escape.^[14] Lamarr later sued the publisher claiming that many of the anecdotes in the book, which was described by a judge as "filthy, nauseating, and revolting", were fabricated by its ghost writer, Leo Guild

Monique Needs Mo Razors!

1. Mariah Carey AKA Sag-agaweeah is packin' flap jacks under that top.
2. Tina Fey is channeling her inner Mary Poopins in this. Comes with Nanny-brella.
3. Drew Barrymore and her magical hedgehogs.
4. Cloe 19seviony's inspired table linens. "She folded her napkin, Mr. Keller".
5. Patricia "Always Wrong" Arquette in a dress that is at least 5 minutes old.

Where's The Phony Phactor?

Good Morning Dearest Reader,

It was a helluva night.....somewhere. It certainly wasn't in Hollywood last night for the highly anticipated Golden Globe Awards last night. The Globes, thought to be the precursor to the Academy Awards proved to be a wash from the very beginning.  A lackluster lineup of nominees as well as a rain soaked red carpet dampened the spirits and hairdo's of Tinsletown's glamazons and leading men. Yours truly was there and submits this humble report from beneath a banquet table which has become my final resting place before being ousted out by the deafening sound of the industrial vacuum cleaner as it whirs past my head. I , Dearest Reader had a birds eye as well as fish eyed view of the festivities and may I say that this lady was not impressed with anything except perhaps Sophia Loren's facial stretch marks and the fucked up rantings of the Barrymore kid trying to appear like the normal one in a sea of Botox and barbiturates. Where's the bar for Christ's sake.

   Is it me or has the CQ or Class Quotient of Hollywood plummeted to new lows to match the necklines of it's ill fitting gowns and tarnished tuxes? Acting as though it is some huge sacrifice to make a film for 400 million or pat each other on the back for being "the luckiest people in the world" seems to have replaced the celebratory phoniness of my Hollywood. We where drunks and whores hiding behind a studio that protected us and 4 times a year we would down a 5th of scotch, throw on a strapless gown, pop a Black Beauty and twitch our way through the evening, pretending to be humble in the eyes of our adoring fans. The restrooms would echo the sounds of vomiting, coke snorting and dry humping and the bar was 4 deep with boozing boys and glammed up gals. Hollywood was a mess but only we knew it. Now it's your stay in a rehab that buys you an Oscar. Sobriety gets you a Grammy and...well, fucking the director still gets you a Tony.

   As I see it, Hollywood needs a giant enema and a lesson on how to be a public nuisance. Stop trying to be humble and start being the stars that people want to see in public. Push your tits out, hold your glass up and toast to the shear ridiculousness of your lives. You are overpaid hookers with studio brass as pimps so go out there and give them a show. Throw a drink in Norma Shearer's face! Suck Brando's cock under the table with his wife seated next to him. Fuck the bartender in the walk-in. But don't stand up there and try to convince me that you would rather be in some third world country handing out water to the sick and dying or forcing your kids to live without you while you are on location in Malta for 6 months living in a 5 star hotel. Start being the phonies you get millions to be and stop being a shameless self professed do-gooder and everybody will be happier.

I Hate Zat Qveen!

A Bit-O-Burt Done By The Amazing, Cilla Black

Dressing My Golden Globes

Helen Lawson here with some advice on how to choose the proper dress to accentuate the positive and minimize the fat flappy body you've accumulated over the holidays. As you know, it's awards season and with that comes a wardrobe make over especially in the gown department. Have your stylist attend every fashion show in town and visit every designer salon so that you will get the jump on all of the other Hollywood hags (Jackie Collins) and Broadway bitches (Angela Lansbury). Don't get caught by the Hollywood Foreign Press in a dress that Shelly Winters has thrown up on...again or embarrass yourself in an original Dior only to find out it was a Kathy Lee sample with a hole in the ass. The right gown can make or break a star (Barbra Streisand) but the wrong gown (Barbara Walters) can make you look like a pile of dog shit (Barbara Stanwyck). Choose a frock that flatters, not "fatters" your figure. I prefer tight fitting, heavily constructed gowns that do all the work and hold me up even when I'm down......on the ground....with my face in the gutter. Favorite Hollywood designer, Don Loper has always known how to dress a lady. Everyone from Eve Arden to Mrs. William Holden and Mrs. Forest Tucker have worn their Lopers on the Red Carpet. I even wore a Loper design that was given to me for participating in a Hollywood Wives fundraising fashion show. While on a shopping spree in Beverly Hills, my friend and socialite Pecky Cypress and I were asked to appear in the show. I  graciously accepted and was asked to wear a wool tweed suit called, "Heathcliff" that Don had designed. I don't wear wool as a rule and felt that it would be better "suited" for someone else. He agreed and chose a number called "Martini Madness" that had a hat that looked like a olive. It fit like a glove and was a huge success on the runway. The woman in the wool suit made a complete ass out of herself and ended up in the hospital so I fucked her husband. ANYWAY, that dress got me press notices AND got me laid.
 

Welcome To My Home...

Burt Bacharach And Lady Bunny?

Hold Your Ears Folks....It's ALIVE!

"Your My World" Miss Cilla Black

10 Steps To A Prettier You

As  an actress and Broadway legend my appearance has always been a priority. No matter how hectic my life becomes or how drunk I get I still take time to really examine myself in the mirror and ask," Is this the best I can do today?"I have found that by following these 10 simple steps I can look in that mirror with confidence and say," Yes it is, baby!" and you can too!

1. Always be sure to wake up. Nothing says "ugly" like a face full of dead.

2. A cold shower in the morning can stimulate your circulation and keep your drink cool.

3. 2 or 3 cigarettes get the lungs working and the heart pumping as well as giving you that sexy french look.

4. Apply your make up with a spatula and set with a good non-stick cooking spray for easy removal in the evening.

5. Always brush your wig at least 100 times to stimulate hair growth and pull its natural oils to the ends.

6. A loose or ill fitting wig can be unsightly. I use thumb tacks to hold mine in place and the dripping blood makes an excellent cheek and lip stain!

7. Choose an outfit that will carry you through the day. From taxi to bar, to work to bar, from lunch to bar, from bar to bar, from bar to jail, and from jail to bed ...you will always look put together with the correct ensemble.

8.Reaplly your make up throughout the day. I redo mine sometimes 40 or 50 times in a 10 hr. period. Make sure that you resemble Queen Elizabeth ( the first) upon arriving at dinner. How regal!

9. If you are meeting a date that evening, be sure to bring extra essentials like back up panty hose, film, knee pads, dental adhesive, thumb tacks, and other items that you may need.

10. Finally, be able to look at yourself at the end of each day and ask, "Did I look my best today?" and" Was that a  dog or a child I hit on my way home?"
...you will always look put together with the correct ensemble.

Tranny Get Your Gun!