Swim Into A New Year....

Traditionally, I like to start out the new year with a brisk swim in the mighty Hudson River. I can usually hit the water if I start running from the half bath and fly out the living room window at about 15 miles per. This puts me out of harms way and into the stinky soup of the Hudson without landing on the West Side Highway or God forbid, Lady Bunny workin' the pier.

Home Is Where Your Fart Is.....

Hello Dearest Reader. When I think of home decor I think of a place where there's ..love overflowing. No, I'm not speaking of Diana Ross's horrifying attempt to play a 13 year old girl in, " The Wiz". I was thinking more along the lines as what a room says about you and not behind your back.....I mean really says to the world ," HEY!!! I'm an alcoholic!"or "I'm footloose and fancy-free and an alcoholic !" I think a room should introduce itself to an occupant or at the very least, hit on them. My decor speaks volumes about me and the layers of Helen Lawson. I think my foyer says." Im open and ready to receive guests" while my living room says," Don't sit there... that's for company". My long moist hallway leads to the kitchen which says," Fuck Off! ", while the powder room says," This mirror is not attached so feel free to cut lines on it." My Master Suite doubles as a gymnasium and boasts a 15'X15' trampoline. Where do you think the word "tramp" comes from.There are many other talking rooms in my house at any given time depending on which doctor came when........Let's do this again real soon....and you are?

I Love Long Walks On The Beach....

I Love Long Walks On The Beach....

Hello. My name is April and I am looking for someone who is looking for someone with something missing. As you can see by my photo, I am currently living without feet but that does not mean that I don't have soul. Ha Ha! I march to my own drummer and feel as though God loves me just the way I am so why shouldn't you? I have a great personality and really enjoy long walks on the beach although my wheels tend to get stuck in the sand. Many guys like giving me piggy back rides instead. I still consider myself to be very active socially as well as physically so please don't worry about me being dead weight at a party. I can hold my own, I just can't stand up on my own. And I'll never walk out on you even if I get really mad. Ask anyone. They can't get rid of me! Ha Ha!

My story is a common one. I was operating a tool press machine at the American Tool and Dye Co. in Spokane, WA. and, while attempting to recreate a scene from Norma Rae ( I love acting!) I slipped off of the table and into the tool press where my feet were stamped into the shape of a hammers. Ouch! The doctors felt that amputation would be the best way to go because, well who wants feet that look like hammers.

So, anyway, I would really like to meet someone who can appreciate a woman who, although she may lack feet, makes up for them in personality. I hope to meet you soon.

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Beauty Beauty Look At You

Beauty Beauty Look At You

I've been thinking a lot about beauty. After all, it is my business. Or is it? Maybe it's none of my business. Maybe our definition of the word, beauty has become stretched so thin that the line between beautiful and grotesque is fading as we speak. Beauty as defined by modern standards can be found in anything. A collection of lingerie can be seen to some as beautiful. A collection of knives can be seen as beautiful to others. A woman is beautiful. But a woman, wearing lingerie while being hacked to death by a knife would be distasteful to many. Would the addition of blood be the culprit ? Would turning a lovely scenario of a scantily dressed woman laying next to a knife be just as scary to the voyeur without the presence of blood? It seems that with the addition of blood the viewer is no longer in control of distinguishing that line between what is pleasant and what is horrific. Each of us perceive the world differently in terms of pretty/ugly...happy/sad...sweet/sour..etc. I find extremely idillic beauty in humans a bit scary while I find some tragic deformities to be rather thought provoking and quietly beautiful. The photographer Diane Arbus captured on film this ugly/beautiful world with her view of people outside the fringe. Another photographer, Joel Peter Whitkin took this idea to the extreme by setting up still lives with corpses and amputees. The pictures are disturbing but the beauty is overwhelming. Perhaps the fact that both of these artist chose to print in black and white removes the color of fear and let's the viewer decide the tone of the piece.
So, it is true that the old adage," Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" still holds true. Even if the eye has been gauged out and replaced by a daffodil.

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

"Ain't No Virgil Here!"

"Please stop callin here. I told you the last time you called that there aint no Virgil Horner here. No, this is Trina. You don't need to know ma last name......is this Pete? Is this Pete Framstich? I sware ta God if this is Pete I'm comin over to that garage and kick your sorry ass you stup.......what? Pretty voice? Well aint you the smooth talker...Pete I'ma warnin you if you are doin this...who put you up to this? Who is this? Oh, I'm sorry ma'am I thought you was a guy. I'm sure it does...look who is this Virgil person you're lookin for? Your husband? Hold on. ANY OF YA"LLS SORRY ASSES VIRGIL HORNER? No HORNER! Jesus Christ Roy you ain't no Virgil Horner. Virgil Hornyyyy maybe. Ma'am? No I swear ther ain't no Virgil here. What does he look like?.........uh huh.................uh huh.....well, I'll tell ya, we got a lot a guys that look like Bob Barker with a hare lip that drink in here. Well how short is he?......Well that would be a midget and I would know a midget if I saw one...hold on.. HEY YOU! MR. GIN AN TONIC.....WOULD YOU STAND UP FOR A SECOND? Well ......no ma'am, aint no midgets here. Darlin, give me your number and if I see a hare lip midget runnin round here, I'll give ya a call. It's no trouble at all. I'm sure Mr. Virgil Horner is at choir practice like he said he was. Alright Ms. Horner....and sorry bout the guy voice thing. OK, ba ba.....................I swear to God Virgil if your wife calls here one more time lookin for you, I'm gonna tell her the truth. I will damn it, I'm sick of it!.......Because a wife has got a right to know that her husband is paradin around town in women's clothes and callin himself Carlene. Well good lord everybody knows it's you. Well for one thing you look like a midget version of Bob Barker with a hare lip wearin a cheap dress from Dress Barn. Well I'm sorry but aint nobody in Johnson City that don't know it's you but that dim witted wife a yours. .......and for God's sake would you please stop usein the ladies toilet. The last time you came outa there it smelled like some mexican took a shit on the floor. Well alright then."

Mommy's Little Whore

Mommy's Little Whore

" Tammy's not her real name. Well it is and it isn't. Her given name is Tamarra Morning Darling. When Josh and I found out we were having a girl we knew we had to name her that with our last name being Darling and all. So we started calling her Tammy for short and I guess it stuck. It sounds better on stage anyway....Tammy Darling....contestant # 4, Tammy Darling, don't you think? She's been competing in pageants ever since she was a baby. Little Miss Dimples, Tiny Miss Happiness, Mommy's Little Miss, you know the whole nine yards. She started winning after April May Carple, her biggest competition, was diagnosed with brain cancer and had to drop out of everything....I mean nobody wants to see a bald little girl with yellow skin in a bathing suit, poor little thing. Her mother has never gotten over her last competition when her talent song was, " It's Not Easy Being Green".... you know that Muppet song? Poor little April May had just had a treatment two days prior and didn't look so good. She finished the first part and when she went to to the second chorus, she puked all over the stage, slipped and fell in it and hurt herself pretty bad. That was the last time I saw her perform. She had a good voice too, poor little thing. Anyway, we decided to take advantage of the situation and used April's song, jazzed it up a bit, and tapped a little dance, you know like a skit. Well we dressed her up like a leaf because the whole frog thing has been done to death and she sang and danced around like she was blowing in the wind. It was a huge hit with the audience and she came in 4th. She got a trophy and 2 coupons from Arby's....... No we rarely break even. So far we've spent close to $12,000.00 and we've won....let's see........25 trophies, 11 crowns, about $270.00 in cash and a $100.00 savings bond and ..........oh yeah, the Arby's coupons. She loves every minute of it. I told her she can stop whenever she wants as long as she can find a way to pay me and her daddy back the 12 grand. Oh, and her hair has mostly fallen out from the bleach so unless she wants to got to gymnastics with a bald head like poor little loser April she's going to have to wear that wig. I think it looks like her real hair.... when it doesn't slide back off her forehead. It's a little big but she'll grow into it. She'll be doing the pageants for a while. We're going all the way to Hollywood, Baby! And when we get there you'll be seeing Tamarra Morning Darling on every street corner. Doing what she does best, working hard and selling it to the public. My little girl is going places.

A Letter From Buffy.

A Letter From Buffy.

Dear Fans,

Thank you so much for all of your cards and letters concerning my death of an alleged drug over dose. While it is true that I was using massive amounts of heroin and other illicit substances, my cause of death is due to one person and one person only, Mrs. Beasley, my long time companion, pimp and lover. Many of you are not aware of the circumstances surrounding my death and I would like to take this opportunity to set the record straight.

Beasley and I go way back. She was my best friend and confidant after my parents died and My brother Jody and sister, Sissy were sent to live with our uncle Bill in New York City. Having only known the small town of Terra Haute, Indiana, the city was an ominous an scary place to a small girl. Mrs. Beasley was always there with a kind word and gentle hand and our love for one another was a bond that would one day become my spiral downward and eventual death. With each episodic-like life experience, we started drifting into a sick world of control, abandonment, lost spectacles, and jealous rages.

My life took a change when our uncle Bill, married a woman and we were cancelled. What you don't know is what happened to us when the production crews left and the lights went out on our artificial penthouse on Park Avenue. Sissy went off to college in California, and Jody became a Mormon clothing designer. I was left to my own devices and, with the help of Mrs. Beasley, got a small apartment in Hell's Kitchen and did occasional work in commercials. It was Beasley who had the idea of me doing," guest appearances" at bachelor parties and strip clubs. It wasn't long until I was selling myself on the street. My nickname was BJ Buffy and I became quite popular with the fetish set, charging $300 just to say," Give it to me hard, Uncle Beeeeeuull!". Beasley hooked me up with the johns and took on others to work for her. Chatty Cathy had the west coast operation and Kitty KarryAll was in charge of drug distribution on the east coast. Eventually, in order to control her girls we were all introduced to heroin and that was the beginning of the end for me. I became just another hooker with a habit on the streets of Hell's Kitchen until I decided to numb myself for one final time.

So yes, I did die from a drug over dose, but I wanted you, my fans to understand that it was partially due ti the manipulations of Beasley the Beast. I've heard that she's still out there on EBay trying to get into the arms of collectors. Beware! Once she gets in, her charm and power starts to infiltrate into your household and before you know it your 8 year old daughter is selling more than cookies outside your neighborhood grocery store.


Take care and once again, Thank You, Buffy.

The Deep Dish Rapture

"What Child Be 'Dis ?"

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Don't Eat Meat, Wear It!

"Operator, Get Me Cheeses On The Line"

The sauce for a spicy Italian sandwich was apparently a must have for one Florida man. The man, Reginald Peterson, called 911 twice after a sandwich shop left off the sauce.
Peterson initially called the emergency number Thursday so that officers could have his subs made correctly, according to a police report. The second call was to complain that police officers weren't arriving fast enough. Subway workers told police that Peterson, 42, became belligerent and yelled when they were fixing his order. They locked him out of the store when he left to call police. When officers arrived, they tried to calm Peterson and explain the proper use of 911. Those efforts failed, and he was arrested on a charge of making false 911 calls. Peterson did not have a listed phone number.

What's Going On Here?

Death By Sofa

A Russian woman in St. Petersburg killed her drunken husband with a folding couch, Russian media reported Wednesday.
St. Petersburg's Channel Five said the man's wife, upset with her husband for being drunk and refusing to get up, kicked a handle after an argument, activating a mechanism that folds the couch up against a wall.
The couch, which doubles as a bed, folds up automatically in order to save space. The man fell between the mattress and the back of the couch, Channel Five quoted emergency workers as saying.
The woman then walked out of the room and returned three hours later to check on what she thought was an unusually quiet sleeping husband.
Police refused to comment.
The St. Petersburg Emergency Services Ministry said a private rescue service removed the man's body.
Video on the television channel's Web site showed emergency workers sawing away the side panels of a couch to remove a man in his underwear lying headfirst between the cushions. Emergency workers said the man died instantly.

__________________

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Go Granny Go!

Jackie Stallone's STAR SCOPE

YOUR HOROSCOPE

ARIES: You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are basically a prick. You seldom think others are good enough for you so you masturbate a lot.

TAURUS: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist. You have an intense love for whips and chains.

GEMINI: You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap selfish bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. Everyone thinks you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Most Cancers are frigid.

LEO: You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. You arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and get their kicks from sniffing bicycle seats and kissing mirrors.

VIRGO: You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good garbage collectors.

LIBRA: You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent because you are a rip-off. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve great success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered. Scorpio women give good head because they have no morals.

SAGITTARIUS: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or pot-heads. You are almost always impotent. People laugh as you a lot because you are always getting fucked.

CAPRICORN: You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken-shit. You fear people and relationships. Most Capricorns prefer rubber dolls. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progresive. You lie a great deal. On the other heand, you are inclined to be careless and impratical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES: You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI and CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses a lot.

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Half Naked Crazy Lady Spotted Standing On Top Of Payphone - CrapVille

Half Naked Crazy Lady Spotted Standing On Top Of Payphone - CrapVille

We Are Family.......

The Griswalds, The Torrances, and The Lundegarrds.

For The Gal On The Go!

Trim That Trim

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

Porta-pity

When firefighters were called out to rescue a man stuck in a port-a-potty, they were expecting to find an overturned toilet with the victim of a practical joke inside. Instead, when they arrived at the former Harold's Furniture store in the 600 block of Cumberland Street of Lebanon, they found 31-year-old Shannon P. Hunter of Lebanon. He was drunk, naked and wedged up to his waist in the hole of the toilet, Deputy Fire Commissioner Chris Miller said.

Fashion Faux Pas

This rare shot from a press event confirms the details of an internal memoranda: “hire only men with large, hairy, developed legs, because in all probability they will be frequently chased by men wielding bats and clubs; models must be able to outrun their critics.”

The memos also detail the jingle for the ad campaign:

She Skirt - He-Skirt - They-Skirt - We-Skirt!
Wear a lotta Dorcus and the gang’ll all say Gee Skirt!
Men, you gotta bare it for a solid Dorcus Whee Spurt!
He-Skirt! He-Skirt! He-Skirt! He-Skirt!

The He-Skirt never made it to market, however, thanks to the intervention of an old family friend, Tony “Antonio” Bruschietta, who took Raoul aside and explained about the wishes of certain “investors” who would “break” his fuckin’ “legs” if he put their money in men’s dresses.

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

"Worlds Greatest Dad"

A 33-year-old man faces two 20-year felonies after authorities say he arranged a meeting for sex with an online contact he believed was a 14-year-old girl and showed up wearing a T-shirt that read, "World's Greatest Dad." Daniel Allen Everett was arraigned in Novi district court on charges of child sexual abuse and using the Internet to attempt child sexual abuse. Magistrate Andra Dudley set bond at $50,000 cash. A spokesman for Attorney General Mike Cox couldn't say if Everett has children. Cox's office conducted the investigation, and Cox says in a statement it's a reminder "a parent can pose a threat" to children.

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

You Sexy Thong

A Los Angeles woman is suing lingerie-maker Victoria's Secret, claiming she was injured by one of the company's defective thongs. Macrida Patterson, 52, says she was attempting to try on the thong when a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the eye. Patterson says Victoria's Secret is at fault for the injury she received last month because the product was "defective." Patterson's attorney, Jason Buccat, chalked the problem up to a "design error." The garment in question is called the "low-rise v-string" from the Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Thing line. Patterson said the defective underwear caused her permanent corneal damage, and that she had to miss several days of work to get it treated. Her attorney said the injury will affect Patterson for the rest of her life. Victoria's Secret requested to examine the underwear that caused the injury, but Patterson's attorney denied the request.

" What, am I funny...like a funny Savior? Funny, like a Savior Clown?"

Spouse Beats Hubby With Toilet Seat

(Florida) - A Florida woman, Kimberlee Ann Cole, allegedly assaulted her boyfriend, Joel Goldsmith, with a toilet seat after finding him smoking crack in a bathroom of their home. Cole told cops she battered Goldsmith, 24, after he "refused to give her the drugs," according to an arrest affidavit prepared by Fort Pierce police. Goldsmith "refused to stop smoking the drugs and Ms. Cole hit him with the toilet seat," the affidavit notes. As the couple, parents to an eight-month-old boy, scuffled in the bathroom, Goldsmith dropped a cocaine rock in the shower and Cole tried to wash it down the drain. Responding to a 911 call placed by a female roommate of the pair, police found blood on the bathroom's walls, floor, and toilet. They also recovered a broken toilet seat, though the affidavit does not indicate whether it was broken over Goldsmith's head or was in disrepair prior to the incident. In the shower, investigators found a "small amount of a substance" which field tested positive for cocaine. Cole and Goldsmith were charged with domestic battery and cocaine possession.

From The Makers Of Tiny Elvis Comes.......

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

" Are you my Mommy?"

(Texas) - Investigators are looking into how a young boy managed to slip out of a Denton, Texas day care center unnoticed, then cross two busy roads and end up a half-mile away at a Hooters restaurant. The five-year-old boy walked out of the Imagination Station child care center, he then crossed busy Dallas Drive to go to a RaceTrac gas station to purchase a soft drink and snacks. After leaving the station, he ended up in the Hooters parking lot about a half-mile away. The restaurant's general manager Brian Mason said, "I was pretty impressed that he made it that way without getting hurt. He let us know that he looked both ways before crossing the road, stopped in the middle and then crossed again." With no chaperone for the boy in sight, Mason called police. "We kept him in the back coloring and kept him pretty occupied until the police showed up," he said. The five-year-old has not been back to the day care since the incident.

Hot Pockets!

(California) - Two practical jokers are behind bars for setting their passed-out drinking buddy's crotch ablaze while boozing in Grover Beach. Matthew Craig Pillers and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer pleaded no contest to a felony great bodily injury charge. Prosecutors say the 22-year-old Pillers, a parolee, was sentenced to two years in prison and the 19-year-old Keiffer got 45 days in San Luis Obispo County jail. Elliot Tuleja was passed out when the men poured cologne on the man's groin and set him on fire. Tuleja had second-degree burns on his testicles

Helen's Hit Pick Of The Day!

The Crapper

The typical nativity scene is pretty familiar even to non-believers like myself. You've got the three kings on one side, some sheep and stuff on the other, a little drummer boy somewhere in the mix and the baby son of God swaddled in the middle. But has anyone seen this much loved Christmas manger figurine beaming atop their grandma's mantle place?

slowspain.wordpress.com

Unless you grew up in northern Spain, my guess is you haven't seen much of this somewhat incontinent little fellow. A fixture in typical manger scenes of Catalonia, El Caganer (in Catalan it means roughly "the Pooper") has been defecating in the background of manager scenes since at least the 17th century. His presence, origins and exact significance is a bit of mystery, but the tradition has stuck in Spain and parts of Southern France and is mostly tolerated by the Catholic Church there, less so in the United States. Caganers are so popular in Spain that their purview has gone beyond just stinking up the manger, they've entered world politics. Both President Obama and the Pope have been commemorated dropping trou and leaving behind a very special Christmas gift.

Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/culture/detail?entry_id=52735#ixzz0ZcKbmGUW